So I'll Stand

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

A song that brought me more strength than I can ever express into words during our struggle for little Ady. I was reminded of this song this afternoon as I was reminiscing on our very, very difficult first year of marriage. I had just graduated college, just moved from my family and friends, just gotten my first job, just started teaching and had enormous amounts of stress, we had people that caused Joseph and I more hurt than we could ever explain, I started getting very sick and was in lots of pain, and then Joseph lost his job about 3 weeks into our marriage. Our sole reason for moving to this "town" that I didn't want to be in. I went to the backyard when he told me and literally lifted my hands to the sky and said, "I can't do this." I found this song and it became almost my "battle cry" for dealing with the problems in this life.

Joseph and I endured more in the first 6 months of our marriage than many people ever will in a lifetime. And, we made it through. I love him more today than when I married him. He is such a strong man of God and he encourages me in my walk with Christ. He reminds me when I'm being prideful, judgemental, materialistic. He loves me enough to point out the ugliness of my sin so that God can be glorified. Could I have married any better?

Today I am at a stump. I am experiencing the silence of God. But, I know He's there. My FAVORITE quote of all time is this: "Never mistake the silence of God for the absence of God." Jon Weece, the wonderful minister at our church stated this in one of his sermons years ago, and I have never forgotten it. When I was balled up on the floor aching in pain that I couldn't understand, He was there. When I took over 20 negative pregnancy tests, He was there. When I heard "this won't be possible for you without our help", He was there. And today, He's here. But, He's silent.

We have really had a difficult time understanding all that is going on in little Ady's body. She is a VERY healthy baby. She is perfect. She laughs, smiles, has a heart beating, moves her legs and arms just fine. She's not strapped to a hospital bed right now receiving chemo treatments. We're not praying for her lungs to be developed or for a cure to be found. Please know that when I share the struggles with Ady, I know that we have much to be grateful for. But, as a mother, something is still not right.

There's some reason for her spitting a lot after 6 solids a day. There's some reason why she's on double the amount of recommended medication. And I feel that I've sat and followed everything as it's come. But, now I feel that I must take action. And in the next second I feel that I shouldn't. So, I'm listening. I'm (trying to) be still in the presence of God because I truly don't know.

What, you ask? I have had several friends in the medical field share with me their feelings of Ady seeing a GI specialist. Many feel that she should have been seen a long time ago. I called the Pediatric Gastro office yesterday and was told that I needed a referral from Ady's pediatrician to be seen. We go to see him again on Monday. By Monday, I am praying for a lead. Any kind of direction. I don't want to jump to a conclusion, but there is a tugging at my heart that I can't ignore. I pray that if it's the right thing for Ady to be seen, then I will feel a peace about asking her doctor for a referral. I pray that if it's the right thing, her doctor will look at my notes, the amount of medication she's taking, the amount she's still losing, and he'l recommend it. I pray that if it's not the right thing, I will just know.

Ady is gaining weight. I can tell that, no doubt. That is wondeful. Many babies struggle to gain it, so please know that we are grateful. However, I just think there is something wrong going on that's causing her to not be able to hold her food down. How good can that be for your esophagus to "throw up" multiple times after each feeding? And we're not talking "normal" baby spit. It's a lot.

I very much "sit the fence" on this "decision". Joseph 100% wants her to be seen. I don't. And I realized today why I don't. If I take her, then that opens the door for painful tests to be done, maybe even an operation. That scares me. I don't want to cause my child any stress or pain. This is the part of me that wants to control. This is the part of me that must release it the Lord.

I'm going to stand with arms high and my heart abandoned in awe. In awe of a God who performed a miracle in my body so I could have a little girl to hold today.


So, for now, I'm going to be still. I'm going to wait.