Just believe.

Joseph and I have been dealing with a lot of things thrown on us at once the past couple weeks. We've been praying and trying to make sense of it all. But, today we were not prepared for what we heard.

As many of my followers know I have a very aggressive form of endometriosis. I spent the first year of our marriage in a lot of pain 2 weeks out of every month. Luckily, after two laparascopies to removed excessive amounts I was able to have my sweet little Ady. I also have PCOS, which for those of you who don't know what that is, is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Not a big deal really. Unless you are tough as nails and want to remain infertile. This is where it gets complicated.

Due to the severtiy of my condition, it continuously spreads. I had a lap in February of 09 and then 9 months later in November of 09 it was everywhere. I went to multi doctors and most said, "it doesn't grow that fast." Unfortunately for me, it did as Dr. Bain found out on November 20, 2009. But, with a lot of help from Jesus I was able to get pregnant with Ady the next month.

So what's the big deal? When your body is pregnant your symptoms go into a remission type stage. I had absolutely no pain, at all the entire time I was pregnant. It was perfect. I loved it. I also knew that it wouldn't last forever. I was told at my 6 week "post Ady" check up to strongly consider trying for another one soon (as I had been told previously by Dr. Bain after she performed the 2nd surgery I had). I brushed it under the rug. I was confident this time it would NOT grow back. I wouldn't need it. My God would calm that storm and He would heal my body completely. But, His plan did not fold out like that.

I have been having a lot of pain, excruciating actually. But, I've learned to mask it and deal with it very well. I mean, I had to, right? After going through this month in and month out, you learn to just deal. The world goes on and I don't appear sick on the outside, so I've got to be tough. I called Dr. Karon last week to set up an appointment. I had in my head how it would go today. I'd ask her to put me on Lupron shots to suppress the hormones for a few months, then try to get pregnant when Ady was about a year old. But, that's nothing like today went. And because I had a plan in my head already, it made the tears just flow and flow.

She did an ultrasound and without hesitation said, "it's covered in cysts." She hadn't even finished the exam and she said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you need surgery again." I looked at her and I'm sure my jaw just dropped. I then mustered up the words and asked if I'd have to do this everytime I wanted to get pregnant. She said, "this pain will not go away unless I do surgery." A part of me wanted to jump up and say "Where were you 2 years ago when I was running all over town being told this pain was all in my head?" I was grateful for her proactive nature. But, instead I told her my doubts, my worries about the condition of this. She said, "I need you to know that I specialize in this. I do extensive work to remove every last spec. I can promise you that I will help with the pain. I can't promise how long it will last before it returns. It may return in 4 months, it may be 4 years. But, I can promise you I will do an extensive surgery." As I was checking out she walked me to the desk and said, "You know I wouldn't mind delivering your second baby very soon."

And I cried the entire way home. And I stopped for an hour or so, and then when Joseph came home I cried, and cried, and cried again. Why am I crying? Because I had an expectation for God, and He did not do what I wanted Him to. I learned today that I might have said I trusted Him in this situation, but I really didn't. You see, I already had a plan. I went to the doctor with how I wanted it to go.

There are a few things that are very hard for me to understand. It's hard to understand how someone as young as me has this mess going on inside. No, it's not terminating my body. I'll be fine, I"ll live. But, it's a hard pill to swallow when you go in for an exam and you look at a screen and all you see are black clumps everywhere. It's easy to throw a pity party for myself. "Why do I have to live in this pain? Why does this continue to grow, why can't it just stay away? How come someone else can get pregnant not even trying and for me I'll never be able to do that? I have something taking over my body that keeps it from ever being easy."

Please don't misunderstand me. I believe God has the power to remove it and keep it from ever coming back. But, for some reason these are the cards He has dealt for me. There is something in this I'm not learning yet. Because, it's the third time I'm having this surgery. There is some reason why I've been told I need to have my children now, not later. Surgery has to happen regardless. Then, we must act fast and make a decision that will affect the rest of our lives. I'm 25 years old and I have to make a huge decision.

For tonight, I'm going to just believe. I'm going to just believe that God knows what He is doing. I've thought many times tonight that at this exact moment He is seated on His throne. He is hearing my cries. He's nodding His head and saying, "Yes, My child. Just believe Me even when you can't see Me." He has a big blueprint in front of Him and He's sharing it with the angels. He's saying, "See how this ends? She can't see it now, but she'll be so thankful for it once she's on the other side."

I believe God's voice will speak louder than anything else we are listening to. I believe that He will fill me with His presence, His peace. And, I believe there will come a day when He will say to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant, welcome Home."

Will you believe with me?