Joy.

I have learned over the years how important it is to be transparent. When I was struggling to get pregnant with Ady and finally let my "secret" out, it was exhilirating. I realized that I didn't have to carry it alone. Even though I knew Jesus would gladly carry it, I think by holding it all inside I felt like I had to appear okay on the outside. I had to act all put together.

I'll never forget the afternoon I told my mom. She had come to Lexington for something (even though I can't remember what for now), and I just cried and cried after I told her. I felt like after I said it, then I could deal with it. There was no turning back, it was real. And I was real. I was raw, cut right open. One of my mom's dear friends said to me, and I'll never forget it, "Rebekah, you have grown up praising Jesus. You have had a pretty easy life. Now, this is the time to find out if He really is who you've said He was all these years." And she was so right. His word is filled with seasons of faithfulness, trials, but ultimately, there IS good in every ending. I spent years and years saying He was faithful, but it was time to live it. There is a difference .

So, prior to news of Ady's precious little body growing inside of me, I had to be transparent. I had to let my friends know, "You know what? I'm not okay. I trust God, but right now, I don't understand Him". And I had days, plenty of them, when I had my doubts. Plenty of days when I didn't want to trust Him. How could He know what was best for me? But, He did. Every time I look in my little miracle's eyes, I see how His plan was far greater than mine. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not insinuating my love for Ady is any deeper than for the mother who conceives with no problems at all. But, it is different. It's a different feeling. To know that, this child I longed for, literally ached for. And to see her with my eyes. What a testimony to the faithfulness of God! And, what a story Ady gets to live out in her life! My prayer is that she will choose to love God and honor Him with her life.

I have really been praying hard this week for me to "Be still and rest". To rest in the promises of the Lord. The week didn't start out the way I wanted it to. I had a lot of tears, a lot of unanswered questions, still have them. But, I've spent time at the feet of Jesus; some days just "showing up" and saying, "What do you have for me today, God?" Yesterday was one of those days. I opened up to Psalm 119:32 "I'll run this course You have laid out for me. If You'll just show me how." I kept reading, and then went back to it. I kept on reading, and went back again. My eyes were just drawn to it.

I kept thinking, "You of little faith! How dare you act like there is no hope!" And, I realized in that moment that God calls us through trials to strengthen us in Him, not ourselves. So often I think "we" find ourselves thinking we ought to become stronger, but that's not it at all.

This morning I sang the lyrics of a song I've heard dozens of time at church. But this time, I listened. I really listened to what I was singing. "Take my life, let it be everything, all of me. Here I am, use me for Your glory." And that was all it took. I finally got it. He can, and WILL use this season of my life to bring Him glory.

I believe God has the power to stop this madness. I believe that the day of my surgery the doctor can go in and find nothing. I believe that I can go the rest of my life and never have it return. I serve a God that can do that. But, if in His infinite wisdom He chooses what's best, and it involves something that creates more pain momentarily, and some heartbreak along the way, then I must choose joy. I can choose to be angry at Him. I can choose to question His plan. Or, I can simply choose to trust and to be thankful in all circumstances. No matter what. He is always faithful.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him."-Romans 15:13

Please continue to join us in prayer that His will will be done in our lives.