I am so thankful for my mom and grandmother for never ceasing to pray for God's will to be revealed and to bless us with a baby. I am so thankful for the dozens of friends who faithfully prayed the same prayer. They encouraged me with cards and emails and text messages. When I didn't have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, those people reminded me that they cared and loved me. I am SO thankful for the struggle. I NEVER thought I would be. I wrote in my journal on January 9th, my birthday, that I didn't even want to celebrate. Remember I was told the day before that I'd never conceive on my own after over a year of trying and 2 surgeries, so I believed that there must have been some truth to that. I believed that something was in fact wrong with me. I didn't want to get out of bed I just wanted to cry all day as I had the night before. But...I wrote that my heart just physically hurt. But I prayed for my faith to be strengthened through it all. I asked many times where God was. I wrote that over and over in my journal that day (as I did many days before). And through tears today I can tell you that He was right there. He lead me to every doctor, to every doctor who didn't listen and to those who did. He held me in His arms with every test that was a negative. He held my heart when I heard of those who got pregnant with no problem knowing that the deepest desire of my heart was to have one of my own. He was there when I heard on the news of babies being beaten and abused. He was there on January 17th at 9:15 AM when I sat in the church seat and heard a bittersweet sermon against abortion. He held me through every ultrasound image that flashed on the screen. When I closed my eyes as tears filled them and I tried to soften my cry, I prayed for Him to hold me and just get me through it. And He did. He held me as I thought over and over in my head that I couldn't understand how someone could abort a baby (that does in FACT have a heartbeat and IS a living creature even in the womb) and then those who want a baby can't have one. And that night when I took the test, He held me, but this time was different. He held me as a father holds their daughter after she won first place in a relay race or got an A on a spelling test. He was holding me with victorious arms and I felt humbled and in awe. I was ashamed that I had been so upset. I never doubted that He could perform a miracle. I BELIEVE in a God who PERFORMS them, but I knew that didn't mean he WOULD. And in that moment I have never been more grateful for a mom and dad that taught me what a true family is based upon. No we didn't have the fanciest house. I never saw my mom in a designer outfit nor did my parents ever go out for fancy nights out. But one thing they did do was ALWAYS teach me about Jesus. Every decision they made was based upon that. I never ONCE wished for "cool" parents who thought drinking was okay or that it was better to just have "safe" sex. I thanked Jesus for parents who raised me the right way-in the ways of the Bible. They would tell you they were not perfect, but to me they were. When I think of "changes" I want to give to my baby, there is not one. They always loved, always protected and always made sure that we knew Jesus must be the center of the home for it to be a true home. I can't wait to meet my precious baby and raise it in the church. And I don't mean TAKE it to church, I mean raise. Raise by the way I treat my husband, my job, my parents, my friends, the way I handle my finances, the way I live my life. I am SO excited to teach them all about Jesus and one day tell him/her their story. What a testimony of love and faithfulness. If I learned anything it was to not give up on God. I daily sought His word in my quiet time. When I was on the floor crying my eyes out, I cried to Him. I knew he understood. He could hear and I knew His heart ached a million times more than mine did. I want to share with you what I wrote in my journal on January 7th, the day BEFORE I went to the doctor. I share this so that if there is someone who is in this position, you will see there is hope. Or if you are at the bottom you can see how God can bring you right to the top. I have several friends who have struggled with this as well, and I know this will bring them great joy because they truly understand! This is the "raw and real" Rebekah. The Rebekah who aches too. The Rebekah who cries and doesn't understand God at times. But, oh what different lenses I look at this with now:
"Lord, this is my last "stop" at a doctor-I am so weary. I pray if this is the desire You have for Joseph and I, then I will have a peace and know the routes to take. But, Lord if this is not in Your will I pray that You will hold me, comfort me, and fill me with Your peace and lead me to a precious baby that needs to be adopted. I pray that this will shock doctors and those all around. I believe in Your promises and miracles. I pray that my story will touch someone else's life one day. Reveal Your heart to me."
But perhaps the most uplifting entry for me to read is the one I wrote the day before I found out I was pregnant:
But perhaps the most uplifting entry for me to read is the one I wrote the day before I found out I was pregnant:
I can't even read it without tears streaming down my face. I will never forget my high school minister, Todd Clark, preached a sermon on how our lives are like a parade and God is up in the "good year blimp". He sees the beginning and the end, but all we see is what's right in front of us. I am so thankful that God didn't give up. I'm so thankful that I didn't either because I truly believe if I had, there would be no baby today. He knew what was best. He always does! I just had to believe.
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