Get out your tissues

I am so thankful for my mom and grandmother for never ceasing to pray for God's will to be revealed and to bless us with a baby. I am so thankful for the dozens of friends who faithfully prayed the same prayer. They encouraged me with cards and emails and text messages. When I didn't have the strength to put one foot in front of the other, those people reminded me that they cared and loved me. I am SO thankful for the struggle. I NEVER thought I would be. I wrote in my journal on January 9th, my birthday, that I didn't even want to celebrate. Remember I was told the day before that I'd never conceive on my own after over a year of trying and 2 surgeries, so I believed that there must have been some truth to that. I believed that something was in fact wrong with me. I didn't want to get out of bed I just wanted to cry all day as I had the night before. But...I wrote that my heart just physically hurt. But I prayed for my faith to be strengthened through it all. I asked many times where God was. I wrote that over and over in my journal that day (as I did many days before). And through tears today I can tell you that He was right there. He lead me to every doctor, to every doctor who didn't listen and to those who did. He held me in His arms with every test that was a negative. He held my heart when I heard of those who got pregnant with no problem knowing that the deepest desire of my heart was to have one of my own. He was there when I heard on the news of babies being beaten and abused. He was there on January 17th at 9:15 AM when I sat in the church seat and heard a bittersweet sermon against abortion. He held me through every ultrasound image that flashed on the screen. When I closed my eyes as tears filled them and I tried to soften my cry, I prayed for Him to hold me and just get me through it. And He did. He held me as I thought over and over in my head that I couldn't understand how someone could abort a baby (that does in FACT have a heartbeat and IS a living creature even in the womb) and then those who want a baby can't have one. And that night when I took the test, He held me, but this time was different. He held me as a father holds their daughter after she won first place in a relay race or got an A on a spelling test. He was holding me with victorious arms and I felt humbled and in awe. I was ashamed that I had been so upset. I never doubted that He could perform a miracle. I BELIEVE in a God who PERFORMS them, but I knew that didn't mean he WOULD. And in that moment I have never been more grateful for a mom and dad that taught me what a true family is based upon. No we didn't have the fanciest house. I never saw my mom in a designer outfit nor did my parents ever go out for fancy nights out. But one thing they did do was ALWAYS teach me about Jesus. Every decision they made was based upon that. I never ONCE wished for "cool" parents who thought drinking was okay or that it was better to just have "safe" sex. I thanked Jesus for parents who raised me the right way-in the ways of the Bible. They would tell you they were not perfect, but to me they were. When I think of "changes" I want to give to my baby, there is not one. They always loved, always protected and always made sure that we knew Jesus must be the center of the home for it to be a true home. I can't wait to meet my precious baby and raise it in the church. And I don't mean TAKE it to church, I mean raise. Raise by the way I treat my husband, my job, my parents, my friends, the way I handle my finances, the way I live my life. I am SO excited to teach them all about Jesus and one day tell him/her their story. What a testimony of love and faithfulness. If I learned anything it was to not give up on God. I daily sought His word in my quiet time. When I was on the floor crying my eyes out, I cried to Him. I knew he understood. He could hear and I knew His heart ached a million times more than mine did. I want to share with you what I wrote in my journal on January 7th, the day BEFORE I went to the doctor. I share this so that if there is someone who is in this position, you will see there is hope. Or if you are at the bottom you can see how God can bring you right to the top. I have several friends who have struggled with this as well, and I know this will bring them great joy because they truly understand! This is the "raw and real" Rebekah. The Rebekah who aches too. The Rebekah who cries and doesn't understand God at times. But, oh what different lenses I look at this with now:

"Lord, this is my last "stop" at a doctor-I am so weary. I pray if this is the desire You have for Joseph and I, then I will have a peace and know the routes to take. But, Lord if this is not in Your will I pray that You will hold me, comfort me, and fill me with Your peace and lead me to a precious baby that needs to be adopted. I pray that this will shock doctors and those all around. I believe in Your promises and miracles. I pray that my story will touch someone else's life one day. Reveal Your heart to me."

But perhaps the most uplifting entry for me to read is the one I wrote the day before I found out I was pregnant:

"I ask that you rid my body of this mess going on inside-let the doctors marvel at the miraculous sight. I have the faith. You CAN move mountains. I am trusting in You to do what is impossible."

I can't even read it without tears streaming down my face. I will never forget my high school minister, Todd Clark, preached a sermon on how our lives are like a parade and God is up in the "good year blimp". He sees the beginning and the end, but all we see is what's right in front of us. I am so thankful that God didn't give up. I'm so thankful that I didn't either because I truly believe if I had, there would be no baby today. He knew what was best. He always does! I just had to believe.

Just a sip....

We had a snow day today, but unfortunately I did not check the news and got myself up and was already driving to school before I realized. I was so upset! I woke up at 2:30 this morning and was up until 4. When I finally fell asleep it was the best most undisturbed sleep I've had in a while. When my alarm went off, I hardly had the energy to get up, but I did. I have felt a sudden decrease in energy. It was very bad at the beginning, but seemed to get better, now I'm back to feeling so tired. All I want to do is sleep.

Luckily, the headaches went away, but a nasty sore throat has taken it's place this afternoon. I think I can have cough drops. Does anyone know this? I would like "just a sip" of an iced chai tea latte. Two reasons 1.) It would feel so great to my throat. 2.) CAFFEINE. I have done very well at giving up caffeine, but there are moments when I would just love to have it to keep me going. This sacrifice is well worth it, but I will enjoy when I can have some.

Today I spent some time doing some online window shopping. I found some cute maternity clothes for the spring/summer, but didn't buy any yet. I can't wait until I actually have a belly! I can tell my pants are getting snug and there's a tiny little belly but I think I just look fat to others! I also filled out a pregnancy journal my sweet friend Mrs. Pittman (my preschool teacher and mother's best friend), sent to me a few days ago. I opened it up today and filled in the pages of what's happened so far. I am so glad to have this to look back at one day. It seems like it's an eternity before my sweet baby will be here, but I am learning to be patient.

I'm gearing up for a VERY busy weekend! Tomorrow Caden is coming to visit and wants to spend Friday night at Gattitown in his p.j.s's! We picked up a pizza when I was in Louisville a while back and both wore our p.j.'s. He just thought that was the funniest thing. It's little moments like this when I am so thankful for such a precious Caden. He is the closest thing I know to compare what it will feel like when I finally have my own baby. Saturday I have to take Chance and Charlie to the vet, work at a carnival at work for an hour or so, then lunch with a friend. Whew. I will be ready for a taste of some slowness by the time Sunday rolls around.

TWO weeks from TODAY I get to have my next ultrasound. I can't wait to see how much sweet pea has grown!

And old man winter....haste la vista. I'm ready for spring and SUN.

A headache and prune.....

I was SO sick yesterday that I didn't go to work which is a big deal for me to miss. I've gone to work many days since the pregnancy not feeling well, but this was by far the worst. I'm on about 10 days of horrible insomnia. I wake up between 1-3 AM and I do NOT go back to sleep. It's just miserable. I'm exhausted, can't even sleep if I try to nap. The doctor said this is normal since your body is going through so many changes. I have always had sleeping problems, but really thought they'd get better with pregnancy. I envy the women who can sleep all night, even sleep in ( it is impossible for me to sleep past 6:30-this is pre-pregnancy, too), nap during the day and go to sleep again that night. What I would give for that!!

I woke up Monday morning at 1:00 incredibly sick and with the worst headache I think I've ever had. It did not go away until about 2:00 Monday afternoon. The headache started about 8:00 Sunday night so I had it for over 16 hours. It was one of those stabbing, splitting, ran into a bring wall, can't function headache, I didn't make it out of bed at all. I was just miserable!!!!!! A cold cloth helped some! I know it's all going to be worth it one day.

We're at 10 weeks! With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.) Sweet pea is about the size of a prune.

We've decided on the crib and bedding that we want.

For little Ady:

These are the boy names we like: Baker, Carter, Harper, Isaac, and Chandler. I'm still real torn on boy names.

This is the crib and bedding for little boy:

16 days until the next ultrasound :)

45 days until we finally have a name for Baby B. We're getting so close.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles."(Psalm 34:17)

Bedding Decisions.....

I have said ALL along I wanted to do a jungle theme for a boy, but I'm telling you when I look at all the boy bedding it's just so cute. From trains, to bears, to construction, to jungle it's just all so precious. I think I just might have narrowed it down t the 2 best choices for the boys room. The first on is not jungle-it's arctic. I just LOVE the polka dots, but it still looks like a boy. The next one I like is called "Heaven Sent". I LOVE the polka dots and the sweetness of this bedding:(Click on each picture to enlarge)


















If it's a girl I THINK I have it narrowed down to three choices



















Only 41 days until Sweet Pea will have a (better) decision on a name.

For a boy we really like: Carter, Chandler, and Isaac. For a long time I had said Carter was "it". But I love the story behind the name Isaac. Abraham and Sarah chose that name because it means "laughter". It reminded them to never laugh at the promises of God. I think it is more than fitting for this precious little miracle's name! Oh and the name with Isaac....Henry. Joseph's middle name :)

For a girl we like: Rubie, Ellie, and Adyline. After discussing I think we have narrowed it down to Adyline Margaret and call her Ady. I chose Margaret because it is my grandmother's name-a woman who is the strongest in her faith of any woman I have ever met. I can not think of a greater gift to give my child than to carry on the name of a woman who laid the foundation for her and generations to come. She has prayed for this child and been such an encouragement to me.

We will just have to wait and find out what "sweet pea" is!

"Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow"

From raspberry to green olive :)

Raspberry

I love that the size of a baby is compared to fruit each week. Week 8, when I heard the heartbeat my little sweet pea was the size of a raspberry. Baby is moving those little arms, legs and webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Green Olive

This week the baby is the size of a green olive! He/she becomes an official "fetus". With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like a baby! It is amazing to me that from 2 cells a baby is formed. I can not see how anyone can watch the miracle of life forming and not believe there is a God who exists!

Sometimes I ask to sneak a closer look...skip to the final chapter of the book

One year ago today, I had my very first surgery to remove endometriosis. I remember feeling so very scared. I was so uncertain of what was going on at that time in my life. I had endured A LOT of physical pain for about 4 months. I saw 8 doctors, went to the ER and was told everything from "you picked up a kid the wrong way" to "let me refer you to a psychiatrist you can talk to". I had excruciating pain that nobody seemed to understand. Thankfully, I had a great doctor at the time (Dr. Mitchell, who since then has moved to North Carolina to follow her husbands job), who didn't give up on me. She did the surgery with every hope that immediately I would become pregnant and the pain would go away. I know she did everything in her power. Unfortunately, the nature of my condition was far greater than any of us could ever have imagined. In only 9 short months after that surgery, I was back in the hospital for another one. This one-much worse. I found a new doctor (after a few imbetween who repeatedly told me "impossible"), Dr. Bain who I will FOREVER be grateful to. On November 20, 2009 she removed excessive and very aggressive endometriosis from all over. I will never forget her sweet nurse. I went back multiple times because my recovery seemed so much longer and painful than before. The nurse kept saying, "you were a mess in there". It's odd to me that in 9 months time it grew back with such rage. But, I am thankful for doctors who know what they're doing. And that although it was incredibly aggressive there was no scarring, another miracle in the stepping stones of the many miracles we've received over the past year or so.

So, tonight I'm reminscing where I was this time last year. I was scared, in pain, felt like nobody understood. But I can honestly say that Jesus held me through EVERY single second I went through. He saw every tear, heard every prayer. When nobody else knew of our struggle until almost a year (even my mother), He knew. He had a plan. I'm overcome with thankfulness and gratitude at this little blessing.

One of my favorite songs when I was in ADPI was "the Wood Song". Here are the lyrics. This song always has, and now always will bring tears to my eyes. When they place that precious baby in my arms it will have all, in fact, been worth "the rocky ride".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtU1PZaDv1g

"The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
my friends and I have had a hard time
bruising our brains hard up against change
all the old dogs and the magician
now I see we're in the boat in two by twos
only the heart that we have for a tool we could use
and the very close quarters are hard to get used to
love weighs the hull down with its weight
but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point
that's were i need to go

no way construction of this tricky plan
was built by other than a greater hand
with a love that passes all our understanding
watching closely over the journey
yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
seems more than all the courage i can muster up inside
but we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
the prize is always worth the rocky ride

but the wood is tired and the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds then we'll have missed the point
that's where i need to go

sometimes i ask to sneak a closer look
skip to the final chapter of the book
and maybe steer us clear from some of the pain
that it took to get us where we are this far
but the question drowns in its futility
and even i have got to laugh at me
cause no one gets to miss the storm of what will be
just holding on for the ride
the wood is tired the wood is old
and we'll make it fine if the weather holds
but if the weather holds
then we'll have missed the point
that's where i need to go

Sweet Pea

On Thursday, February 11th we got to hear our little "Sweet Pea's" heart beating. I had not really prepared myself for that. I thought I'd be able to SEE it, but not HEAR it. I was just in awe. The sound of that heart beating was all I needed. It was as if "all was right with the world" in that exact moment. Nothing else mattered.

It's a very surreal feeling now to realize I am carrying a MIRACLE inside of me. I was sick for a couple weeks, but now just feel very tired. I am trying to take it easy and sleep as much as possible. I sometimes can't believe it's real. I can't wait until we go back on March 11th. I will get to see my precious baby on ultrasound again.

Yesterday, Joseph and I went to build a bear and built a monkey for our little "sweet pea". I think it's a BOY, Joseph thinks it's a girl. We built the monkey and will dress it after we find out what we're having. I'm thinking of doing a safari theme if it's a boy and of course if it's a girl ALL pink and princesses.

I am still in awe, still overjoyed, and humbled at how wonderful and amazing our Creator is.

" I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."-1 Samuel 1: 27

It's a Miracle!

The happiest day of our life came on January 17, 2010. We had just come back in town and I was so upset. I had found out only 9 days before that "it wouldn't be possible". I was waiting to schedule my next appointment and begin treatments. However, God is always faithful and He knew what he was doing even when I couldn't see it. When I was sitting in their office and told that day "it wasn't possible", I was already pregnant, but I just didn't know.

We were both in just complete shock. I didn't handle it the way I thought I would. I didn't jump up and scream, I was just in shock and VERY calm. I never doubted the miraculous wonders of God, but I just didn't in my wildest dreams imagine that it would happen so fast.

This entire experience has taught me that truly, "If you have the faith of a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for you."

A friend of mine sent this to me after finding out I was pregnant : "I love medical miracles because it proves that the only person truly in control is God despite what "science" may say." There is so much truth to that.

I endured a lot of pain (physical and emotional). I had truly prepared myself that it was not in the cards for us. I was never angry at God, but just wanted His plan to be revealed. One of the greatest verses that helped me get through-Psalm 27:13 "I am confident of this, I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

I learned during this trying time in our lives that when we draw near to God, He draws near to us. I go back and look at my journal and am (most days) overcome with emotion. My heart just wants to jump out of my chest at the excitement and joy that we feel. When I couldn't see and I couldn't understand HE had it figured out. When I finally let go, surrendered to His plan....my little miracle came......