A Little More Time

You'll have to forgive me. I'm still in vacation mode. Still wishing I was sitting by the water, soaking up those beautiful Florida rays. It's taken me forever to unpack, clean up my house, wash 12 loads of laundry, go to the grocery (I went 3 times-think I'm still stuck in vacay mode?), along with taking care of a very, very mobile 7 month old. Enough to wear a mommy out! But, I'm here. Ready to report! Well, I said I'd do it. Update those of you interested on why in the world I would decide to cancel my surgery, the surgery my doctor says I need.

It was supposed to be today, and it would have been even sooner had my doctor not gone out of town as I was told by the "surgery scheduler". If you will remember, she had said I was having all this back pain again because the endometriosis must have grown back. It doesn't, (well....mine doesn't at least), show up on an ultrasound. Prior to my two previous surgeries, nothing showed up. Then, when I went in for surgery, I was a mess-both times. So, I knew that just because she didn't spot endometriosis on the exam, meant absolutely nothing. She did however spot a whole lot of cysts on one ovary (which is not uncommon nor alarming at all), and even more covering my uterus. She was a little concerned, but not alarmed at those cysts. Actually, after she saw those, that was when she said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you need surgery." Those cysts can come and go with your cycles, but for some reason she seemed a little more proactive than normal.

I've been over this before, but I'll refresh you. I was told that after the surgery I needed to make a decision. Whether we choose to conceive immediately after, or wait to see if the endo can stay at bay for a little while longer until we are ready. Or....I suppose the final option was to decide that God's plan for us is to adopt the rest of our children instead of having to worry about the hospital visits, expense, pain, etc. If you remember the week before my vacation, I said I didn't have a peace. I didn't realize that feeling would lead me to cancel my surgery. I just didn't feel an answer. I spent countless hours at the feet of Jesus praying and listening to what His plan was for our lives. I didn't hear anything. I actually had decided that after the surgery I would "hear". I thought my doctor would give me the information that I needed. Such as: "Rebekah, it was terrible again, there's a lot of scarring. It is in your best interest to conceive asap." or, "Rebekah, it wasn't that terrible this time. I removed some spots, but you should be okay for a while."

The week of vacation, I started contemplating cancelling it. I just had this feeling that maybe it wasn't the right time. I, like clockwork, have this back pain (that is caused from the endometriosis alone), at the same time each month. It lasts for 14 days. There is no wavering in the days. It comes and increases in pain. Except this past month, I felt none. Not a feeling. I truly couldn't see the reasoning in having surgery when I wasn't doubled over from pain. The past 2 times, I was in so much pain, it was really my only option. When it wasn't terrible this time, I thought, "Why put my body and baby through this?"

My mom had already made plans to come up here for a few days to help out. I don't get to see her that often because she's so busy with Caden, but she made sure he would be taken care of so that she could help with Ady. I know that Ady would've been in great hands, but I also didn't (selfishly!) want to go through it again and not be able to hold and play with my little girl. Millions of women have this "disease". Some people have laps and recovery quickly. But, judging by the severity of all that was burned off the last 2 times, it made my recovery very, very difficult (and long). I was in a lot of pain. Who wants to go through that if you don't have to?

Why did I not have pain this month? No, I'm not pregnant. Although, I'm sure I left some of you wondering. I should have clarified in my last post :). But, I'm not. I had truly wondered if the Lord had just healed my body. I was very hesitant to even tell Joseph that I wasn't having this pain. I was watching the calendar and thinking "well...this is the time it'd be hurting, I'll give it another day. Maybe tomorrow I'll hurt". I went through this for several days and then I realized, "Ok, this time there's no pain!" My pain starts on the 6th day of my cycle and ends about the 20th day. For usually around 14 days I have this back pain. It is caused when my body starts the process of ovulation and then the days leading up to menstration. I thought I had been healed, but I don't believe that is the case. My body was not ovulating for some reason and I believe that is why I didn't have the pain.

It could caused from a lot of factors. I did not know I had PCOS until right before I found out I was pregnant with Ady, but I'm not the "poster child" for the disease, however my incredibly intelligent doctor told me that there are many, many "faces" of PCOS. One of the symptoms is irregular periods and/or no ovulation. I was a little upset to find out that I wasn't ovulating. Just because it scares me. It scares me for the future. I can be put on medicine to increase ovulation whenever we decide to try again, I know. But, I think there is some defeat in your soul when you realize that conceiving won't ever happen the "old fashioned and easy" way for you. But, I'm thankful for Ady and I hope I express that enough :)

I know for sure that I was ovulating when I went to see her. On the exam she could see that I was. That was the ovary that was "cyst-less". Is it possible that this month when the other one went to ovulate was so covered in cysts, it was unable to release an egg? I know Dr. Bain, the doctor who performed my second surgery had said my ovaries were "weighted down with cysts like cement". Then, they were unable to release an egg. Is that the case now? I don't know. I did wake up this morning with very, very bad back pain, so that means I have not been healed from it. :(

All I know is that for some reason, the Good Lord made it known this was not the right time. We weren't (and still aren't) ready to make a decision. Joseph and I are both in agreement that we want more children ourselves, but that we are enjoying Ady so much, we don't want to miss out on any of her "firsts". We also, however, agree that we don't want to wait too long and regret it later. Joseph has said to me many times, "I'd never forgive myself for not trying to get pregnant if I find out later on, it's not possible." Yes, I know I was told it wasn't possible before. We all know that God had a greater plan :) But, the longer (and more aggressive) the endo is, the more scarring it creates. The scarring is what causes a lot of infertility in women. Miraculously, I had minimal scarring. And I say miraculously because, as bad as it was, anyone would have thought I'd have lots and lots of scarring. By "not possible" doesn't mean there aren't routes we could take. However, Joseph and I made a vow a long time ago that expensive treatments were not where we felt God leading us. We just didn't feel called to do that, and we still don't. I'd much rather spend that money on adoption.

I am so very thankful that I've been able to experience a baby moving inside my body. I know far too many people who never were able to do that. It breaks my heart, but all of those women I know have turned their pain and suffering into joy. It is beautiful to watch. I am fully at the place in my life where I can say, I have all I'll ever need. I'd like to conceive again someday, but if that doesn't happen, I'm okay with that. I asked God for "one little miracle" and he sure gave me lots more than I could ever have imagined :)

So for now my friends, this is where we are. Still experiencing, to some extent, the silence of the Lord. However, I do feel that He has spoken in a mighty way for this decision to cancel the surgery. I guess I should call it reschedule instead of cancelling. I know it's just a matter of time, but this will allow me to buy some time, even if I decide to reschedule it in a month, it will still have given me a little more time.....