The scariest day of my life

 

This is the most difficult post I've ever sat down to type. There is a lot that my mind has not been able to grasp and a lot I hate to relive. But this story MUST be told.

It started months and months ago. I'd go for my check ups and each time my weight would be usually double the recommended. Within 4 weeks I'd gain 8, 2 weeks I'd gain 4, 1 week I'd gain 3, etc, etc. My blood pressure would be slightly high, but I kept hearing "you look great". They seemed to think it was just Ady and I being out in the sun and retaining fluid from that. And my urine at each visit was fine. No trace of protein. No reason to worry. And I only gained 28 pounds total so it never seemed alarming. But looking back, and looking at my face now, I can see that I was very very swollen. Especially during labor. I was like a big 'ol balloon.

When we were on vacation I got really really sick one night. I woke up in my sleep literally choking on my own vomit. I blew it off as bad heartburn. It returned about 2 weeks ago. Except it was worse. Looking back I had so many symptoms of HELLP, but I just didn't know. The last 3 weeks before Henry's birth I was so tired, a tired that I described as "I just feel like I have mono". But, again-I played it off as "I have a 2 year old this time around". I knew I'd be tired. The weekend before I had Henry I was so exhausted that I literally didn't make it off the couch. The following week I was up each night not feeling well. I had stopped eating because my stomach was so upset. And I noticed Henry wasn't moving much. But I played every single symptom off with an excuse.

On Wednesday I woke up aching from head to toe; aching so bad I could cry. Ady was an angel because I couldn't get out of bed--and didn't. My nose was running and I just thought I maybe had a sinus infection. Another sign I just excused.

Thursday my mom came up to watch Ady for me because this time I was seeing Dr Karon. Typically I'd see the nurse practitioner but really wanted to see her. She is in practice by herself and it is not uncommon to wait 3-4 hours to be seen by her. So Ady got to play with my mom while I went off to the doctor. I didn't feel good, I was so tired. When I got on the scale I had lost 4 pounds from my visit just 7 days prior. My blood pressure was 136/88. It wasn't high; high for me; but not an alarming high. My urine was fine. (That's possibly the scariest part of this--that it didn't show up where it "should" have). I asked her about my blood pressure since the last several visits had been like that and she said to lay on my left side and try again. The reading was the same. She said, "Hmmm....well I'm sure it's nothing, but let me run the pre clampsia panel on you just to be safe." and her intuition SAVED my life.

She told me to monitor my blood pressure at home and call if my bottom number got over 80. Then told me my cervix was paper thin and she was expecting Henry any day, but she wanted me off my feet b of the BP. She said "do NOT move. I'm going to Chicago and won't be back until Saturday night." she walked out of the room and told me someone would be in to draw my blood.

She came in and tried my left arm....no vein. She tried my right arm....no vein. She tried my left hand and got a vein and it immediately collapsed, popped, then bruised severely. She was very puzzled. My body was shutting down before my very eyes. And I had no clue. Nobody did. And my answer to her question is how I'm still alive today. She said "I hate to stick you again. Do you want me to try the right hand or just come back tomorrow?". I thought long and hard, I was so tired I didn't have much strength. But I told her to try again. And she was able to get it in that hand. There would've been no me the next day had I said I'd come back. As I was checking out Dr Karon said to me "don't you do anything! Ok?".

I was up ALL night not feeling good. My blood pressure readings were very high (140's/100's), but I just thought it was wrong. (Not a smart move by the way). By morning I was praying that God would allow me to see what was intuition and what was worry. By 9:30 I called and just said I wasn't feeling good and my readings all night were high. The receptionist grabbed Paula, the nurse practitioner who filled in for Dr and a GREAT friend of mine, and went to look for my labs. She was so thankful I has called because had I not, my labs would've been lost. They had been placed on a cart and Paula later told me she would've never known to look for them. A few seconds later the receptionist said, "Bekah, I don't want you to freak out, it's ok--but you need to get to the hospital now. Your blood work, it.....it isn't good, baby." I hung up the phone and my tears started. By the time we were in the car Paula had called me to try and explain what was going on. Yet I still had no idea how bad I really was (and nobody in their right mind would've ever let me know either). I just knew something wasn't right. She explained my platelet level were severely low and liver enzymes severely high. I didn't know what any of it meant. Dr Karon was in surgery but Paula had paged her as well as a high risk OB and were already working on a plan for me. I didn't understand why at the time. But now I do. They were working to save my life.

I immediately called Heather who met us at the hospital to take Ady. I didn't know at the time I had HELLP Syndrome or that I was so close to death. But as I kissed Ady good bye with tears streaming down my face, I begged God that He would let me see my baby girl again. I wanted her to have a mommy.

The high risk OB was already waiting for me when I arrived. I was immediately started on magnesium sulfate and several rounds of steroids. There was a window of if and when I could have an epidural. Again, I didn't understand any of this was going on in my body. My platelet levels were so low there was risk of me bleeding from my spinal cavity and everywhere else. I have a fairly high pain tolerance but since my body was failing me, I was in immense pain. I also felt like death. Just absolutely awful. Knowing what I know now typically they don't do an epidural if your levels are less than 100,000. Mine were 70,000 on multiple rounds of steroids. Dr Karon later told me that my body was literally seconds away from bleeding out everywhere. It is a MIRACLE I am alive.

In hindsight, I can see the fear in the nurses' eyes, but they did a good job of not letting me know what was going on--or anyone else in my family for that matter. I don't remember a lot, I was so drugged up to know. But I do remember asking the nurse some questions and her not answering. I now understand. Then, my  Dr came in to say she cancelled her flight for me. I had tears streaming down my face when she told me. I knew we were being taken care of. Now I know why she cancelled it. She knew I was dying and being the best doctor who deeply cares, she put me above herself. Henry came really fast. I was actually already in labor when I arrived at the hospital, but I wasn't feeling any of the contractions. I dilated so quickly. I knew things were bad when the nurse gave me a mask to breathe oxygen for him. I was so confused but I KNEW he was in distress. His cord was getting wrapped around his neck. I just remember panicking. The nurse said "you're having this baby vaginally." Praise the Lord I could because I NEVER would've survived a C section. I would have bled from everywhere. There was an insane amount of blood with his birth and when my water broke earlier that day, it was all blood. Each time I was checked they just pulled out gobs and gobs of blood. My body was literally shutting down. It's a miracle I didn't have to have a blood transfusion. Truly a miracle.

I panicked and said I had to push. They all came running. With two pushes (if you can even call it pushes), Henry slid out into the world. It was the most amazing feeling.

 

I was too numb with Ady that I couldn't really feel a lot but this time I felt everything. I remember just sobbing when I saw him. Just absolutely sobbing.

 

NICU was there to check him and immediately released him saying he was perfect.

Then things got bad. I couldn't sleep but about 20 minutes Friday night. By Saturday morning I was in really bad shape. But I didn't understand that the really dangerous part for my life was 24-48 hours after delivery. Nobody did. My family had driven in from Louisville and hadn't so much walked in my room than to be told to leave. I couldn't have visitors. I remember my dad kissing me on my forehead and telling me he loved me. Then they drove right back to Louisville. I was in really bad shape. The dangerous part for me was far from over. I still had to be watched like a hawk.

The nurse that took care of me Saturday was excellent, they all were, but she knew I was going crazy on that medicine. She tried to explain what had gone on in my body. Again I didn't understand it all. But she said "Dr Karon saved your life and your baby's life. You should not be here today." I just cried and cried. And cried.

So much happened and so many people took excellent care of me. When I finally was released to post partum I hadn't had my hair washed in 3 days. I had a catheter in me still and had been completely bed ridden. I had it in because my kidneys were failing me upon arrival. I couldn't take a shower because my epidural catheter couldn't be removed until they knew my platelet levels had risen high enough. But I wanted my hair washed. The head nurse, Brenda, was there when I had Ady 2 years ago. She brought humor when I most needed it this time around :)

And wrote on my board my "#1 need":)

I was treated like royalty by the nurses and one came and brought me a chair I could sit in and she washed my hair over the bathroom sink. It was so wonderful! I can't tell you how many times a nurse would come in and say "I heard about you. You were the really, really sick girl."

Dr Karon called to check on me while she was in Chicago (she just went up for the day on Saturday since all the commotion on Friday happened!), and the nurse said "Wow! You must be special." My days and nights have all run together but one night at 11:00 she came over to see me. My nurse that night said "When Dr Karon comes to your room at 11 at night you KNOW you're important." I can not thank God enough for that woman. I owe her my life.

My blood pressures have been really out of whack. They were going to discharge me Monday and I just didn't feel good. When they checked it again it was high so she wanted me to double my 30 mg and take 60 and be monitored over night. It was still high the next morning but she thought maybe once I was home it'd get better. I didnt leave the bed in the hospital nor did I have visitors (nothing shy of just a few short moments with my mom and Ady), so I couldn't understand why it was so high. I kept checking it at home and it was really high. She decided to double the 60 mg, so I was on 120. It still didn't help. Keep in mind I was completely bed ridden at home and laying on my left side (with this medicine in my system) it would average 140/95. When I would sit up, not get up, just sit up-it got to 157/115. When I called Thursday morning she said we needed new intervention. The medicine she switched me to worked differently and she really thought it would help. I talked with her about 10 minutes again late Thursday evening and she said it will take a long time to regulate and get it under control. But she was confident this new medicine would work. Praise the LORD it did! She said she will send me to an internal medicine doctor at 6 weeks and I will most likely be on it the rest of my life. HELLP is no joke. It's very very rare in pregnancy. As in 1 out of 1,000. And I had a really bad case. The kind that had one more second been wasted, would've made the difference in life or death.

She also made it very clear to Joseph and I that there would be no way we could EVER conceive again. Absolutely no way. An answer to my prayer in a way I didn't really expect it. Prior to Henry's birth I really wondered how I would know what to do with the pain that will soon return from the endo & PCOS. Problem solved. I know down the road I will be a little sad when the reality sets in, but these two children need a mother. I am overcome with tears when I think about how close we were to Ady and Henry growing up without a mommy and Joseph being left alone with all this. I'm having a hard time just thinking back on it all. The emotional trauma is too deep to even explain to you. I have balled my eyes out to the Lord so many times in thankfulness. I am just so thankful my life was saved. And I could never, EVER put my family through this again. Ever.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through for so many reasons. I was strapped to a hospital bed for 5 days and couldn't even see my daughter. I couldn't bond with my son or change his diaper or do anything. Joseph went through so much. He had to do it all alone. 

 

And my poor family. I was drugged up and didn't know how sick I was, but they did. This has been so very hard on them. They haven't even gotten to see and enjoy Henry. But God's hand was on this whole situation. Every single thing that happened proved His faithfulness to our family. I am deeply overcome with emotion. Deeply overcome with gratitude for the hundreds of people in states all over who were praying for me; many of whom I've never met. I don't know why my life was spared but I am forever grateful that The Great Physician never left my side and that through Him the doctors and nurses took excellent care of me.

She has told me it will take a very, very long time for me to get better. My mom was with Ady until I was discharged Tuesday evening. She drove back to Louisville because Wednesday morning my dad left for Phoenix so she needed to be there for Caden. My grandparents came from Nashville Tuesday and switched shifts. Then my sister came over the weekend to help. My mom is back for a week at least and then however many weeks it takes me to regain my strength enough to function. This is a going to be a long process. I've come a long way, but I've still got a long way to go. I am still supposed to stay down. This is hard for me, very hard for me. But I know it's the only way I'll ever get better. I just want to be a mommy and take care of my babies. But I am resting and doing everything I know how to in order to get myself back to normal again soon.

To those of you who prayed for me....I've got tears pouring down now, I don't even know what to say. I thank and praise God for you. I am forever grateful that because of your prayers that surrounded the throne of the Lord, I am alive today.

For the rest of my life I will never, ever be thankful enough for the gifts I have. And every time I look in sweet Henry's face I will see the face of God. I never thought I could have enough love for him and Ady both. It surely took me almost losing him and myself for me to get it. I literally risked my life for him.  A love so deep I can't even explain it.

Two days before Henry's birth I read this in my Bible "We will tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and His might, and the wonders He has done."-Psalm 78:4. I don't think there's a more fitting verse. :)

 Here are some pictures of our new sweet little bundle of joy. Weighing in at 5.15.9 lbs at birth, now 5. 11. and 19 Inches long and fits just fine in Preemie clothes. He can't even fit in the swing yet because he's just so tiny :) But he is a fighter, just like his mommy! 

What a testimony to share with Henry when he gets older. I had specifically prayed a couple weeks ago that his testimony would draw people closer to the Lord and he would never have a day where he didn't feel like he had a purpose. Tears are steaming down my face. He shouldn't be here. I most certainly shouldn't be here. Thank God for tiny little miracles and a really big God.