The Lasts.

One of my favorite authors is Karen Kingsbury. I've read just about every single book she's written. But, there's one in particular, a children's book, that makes me sob uncontrollably every time I read it. It's called "Let Me Hold You Longer". The book goes through all the different seasons that the mom didn't see as "lasts" and what she might've done if she'd known. I know, depressing, right?

I'm finding myself right now in that stage. That stage of lasts. Blame it on the excessive hormones. I am crying at anything now, and often. Poor Joseph. But, I got to thinking the other night about these lasts. These final precious few weeks (perhaps, days), and moments that will soon become distant memories.

For the sake of not repeating myself and for those of you who may not have ever read this blog to be confused, if you're not sure about why I always refer to these 2 precious babies as miracles read this: But, have your tissue handy. http://1littlemiracle.blogspot.com/2012/04/overjoyed.html

I have wrestled with anxious thoughts this pregnancy and really having a difficult time relinquishing control. It's funny how when I thought I was about to lose the very things that made me a woman back in November, it felt so easy and natural for me to just let go, and let God. I am most definitely in a season of trusting Him. I think this "anxiety" of how things will turn out stems from my control and fear of the unknown. Of what's just around the corner once Henry comes. The mess that's gone in in my body has not been kind to me and major decisions will have to come. Ones that I don't want to face. But what does worrying do? It doesn't add a single hour to the day. So, friends, hold me accountable. Remind me to rest in the arms of the One who has everything under control. He doesn't want me to worry. He didn't want me to worry 9 months ago and He most certainly doesn't want me to worry now.

I have had so much confusion with this pregnancy with numbers, stats, measurements, etc that it's enough to make my head spin. I truly believe the Lord has a sense of humor and is using this season to humble me and remind me that He is really the only one in charge; that I may try to plan, but it is He who will direct the steps. A few weeks ago, I went in for an ultrasound and found that he was weighing at 4 lbs 6 oz. (I had Ady at 37 weeks and she was hardly 6 lbs). He was larger than what they like to see, (which explains why this preggo here who doesn't eat massive amounts had massive weight gain!), so they made an appointment for me to go back on the 29th for a recheck growth. At that point they will see what he is weighing and then go from there. My dr has made it very clear that she will not let me have a large baby. My OCD planner doesn't like this part (and God is laughing). Will she induce me? Will he come on his own like Ady did? My due date has been 10-10 all along, but was moved to 9-30. If he came at 37 weeks like Ady, he would be expected 9-9. But this past week has really thrown me for a loop....

Monday I began feeling an extreme amount of pressure. I called my OB and she wanted me to come in immediately. I had a meeting with a bride scheduled and literally 15 minutes beforehand, had to cancel. I drove myself to the hospital as Joseph stayed home with little Ady. I had a few contractions, but nothing were patterned (but, hey, neither were Ady's up until the second she entered this world--YIKES!). I had already dilated. He is actually sitting on my cervix and over and over again she kept saying "Gosh, he's low". As in "Geez, lady you must carry children bizarrely." Haha. I had that happen with Ady at just about every visit. Which explains why she came out so ridiculously fast. Then, she told me I need to "stay off my feet" and "take it easy". Two terms that are not found in my DNA. She also ran a FFN test that apprently can "guarantee" you won't deliver prematurely within the next 10-14 days. It was negative. That is good news. But, seriously-how can any test be that foolproof? Don't babies have agendas of their own?? So Monday I made it back home and just thought it would all be ok. Tuesday Ady was a really good helper for me. She climbed up on the couch by herself (I"m not supposed to lift her-which is not always possible to avoid), and has been my little side kick being my helper. Wednesday, was a different story. I stubbornly wanted to get things done. I had several appliquing/sewing things to complete and errands to run. It was a very busy day and I very much overworked myself.

If you are not a person who cares to hear someone who gives too much information, please don't read forward. My intent in saying this is to see if anyone else has been here too. Wednesday evening I began losing part of my "plug". I didn't say anything until almost bedtime to Joseph, of which he then freaked out. I lost it with Ady and 3 days later....the water broke. Thursday there was more, lots, except this time there was blood in it. I immediately called my dr almost in tears (ok, I was in tears). She said that she felt so strongly about this test and that women can lose it early on, it's not necessarily an indication of impending labor. (Sidenote: I don't really care what a test says....it surely can not be completely accurate, right? Anyone been here?). She also said I needed to sit and the only way I was allowed to go to Louisville Sunday for my shower was if I sat and didn't drive. I had to cancel coordinating the wedding this weekend and felt just awful. But, I forget that I'm not working where I was with Ady. Where it was most definitely not accepted to be on bedrest. The head coordinator was beyond understanding and offered to help in any way she could and said she had been and would continue to be praying for Henry. God is so good.  Back to the story---I kept saying to my OB, "but I did this with Ady! You're sure it won't happen again?" She said she was very confident it'd be ok and I was in no danger of delivering yet. This momma? Not convinced. Henry's Gaga? Not convinced either. Henry's daddy? Same story. I trust my doctor and feel that she is the best for my care. I know that every decision she makes has mine and Henry's best interest at heart. She always listens to me and I have formed a friendship with her and her office staff. However, having said that, she also told me children would never be possible. So, doctor's don't know everything. She also told me at 9:30 the night Ady was born we'd be there all night and at 10:27 she was in my arms. She may be right, he may stay put a long time. But, my gut says otherwise. And my heart is just not ready....

I am not emotionally ready for this new adventure if I were to be completely honest. But, who really is? I can't imagine having two children to raise, two children to take to and from the grocery store, two children to take to church, two children to feed, two children to play with, two children to share my heart with. But regardless of if I can imagine it or not, he's a coming!

I have really struggled with this pregnancy ending, as much as I can't wait to hold him, my heart still aches for what may be the last. Then I feel so incredibly selfish for those thoughts; for the many women who will never, ever experience what I have been able to twice. My heart is at peace with adoption because we are most definitely not finished with growing our family, but there is also a piece of me that just wants to savor the sweet moments of pregnancy. We may be able to conceive more. There is no question that God's faithfulness and power has been shown in my life, and no stopping what He may do, but I also know that it doesn't mean He will continue to grow us this way. If this were the last time my body would ever get to carry a child, what would be the things I'd want to hold onto? To sit and soak up every.single.second. To let the wiggles and kicks remind me of a God who loves and heals and rescues and restores. To not be discouraged by my swelling hands and feet, but rather rejoice that the Lord has knit together in my womb the most beautiful creation of all time. For the nights that I can't sleep and I lie awake for hours; to just be thankful. To take the time to praise Him for what He has done, even through tired eyes when it can be difficult. 

One of the saddest lines in this book says "Would I have held on longer if I'd of known it was the last?" Friends, I want to meet Henry, I do. But I don't want this to end. I'm sobbing as I'm typing this now. God has been so very faithful to our family. I have been so spoiled to get to experience this again. I don't want it to end. I just want to hold on a little bit longer. 

If I could write a letter to Ady before she meets Henry, this would be it:

Dear Ady, 

I am so proud of the precious little girl that you are. I am so honored to be your mommy and watch you kneel on the ground with your hands folded and pray. I hope that you always know how much Jesus loves you and that someday you make a decision to trust Him with your life. I hope that you know that mommy and daddy are teaching and training you to know Him and pray everyday, and will for the rest of our lives, that you will allow Him to use you in ways that are unimaginable. I marvel at your sweet heart and nature and how caring you are. I know you won't understand once Henry gets here. Mommy won't be able to give you all the undivided attention that you are so used to. Be patient with me and know that I love you so deeply. A love that until you have a child one day you just can not begin to grasp. My precious Ady, you will always be so very special to me. You are living proof that God is the only one in control. My precious little miracle. I longed so desperately for you. There has never been anything that has brought me greater joy than taking care of you. Teach Henry to be brave and strong like you are. I love you more than you could ever imagine. 

Love, 

Mommy

And if I could write Henry a letter, this would be it:

Dear Henry, 

I haven't met you yet, but I have an image in my mind of what you will look like. I still find myself in awe of you growing inside my body. I hope you never have one second in your lifetime when you feel unloved. Mommy and daddy were so surprised to hear when we were going to have your sister, but you surely surprised us. God has a huge plan for your life. He doesn't make mistakes. And you, my child, are most definitely on this Earth for a reason. I can't imagine how life will change once you come. But, I know the moment they lay you in my arms I will know a love just as deep as the one I feel for Ady. She may not understand sometimes why she has to share with you. Be patient with her as she learns. Be patient with me too. I'm still new to this whole parent thing. But, one thing I can assure you, you are loved. I pray you will learn to love Jesus and that someday you will use your life story to be a testimony to the faithfulness of God. I love you, Henry. More than you could ever imagine. 

Love, 

Mommy

Our lives are about to drastically change. These moments of lasts will soon become firsts as we transition to a family of 4. My prayer is that God will continue to be glorified in our lives as we share what He has done for us. We covet your prayers as we walk this road and pray God's will on our family and His perfect timing for Henry's grand entrance into this world !

"My heart rejoices in the Lord....No one is holy like the Lord, for there is none besides You, nor is there any rock like our God" (1 Samuel 2:1-2)