Many times I think about my "story" and how I wish I had someone who had gone through the exact same thing, not the infertility part, but the pain. So, my hope in this post is that if you are struggling with the same thing you will find relief in knowing you are not alone and you are not crazy (as I many times was told).
I guess I should start back to November of 2008. Joseph was out of town and I was in excruciating pain balled up on the floor in the family room. I can still see myself sitting there now. I was crying out in agony and didn't know what was going on. I remember calling my mom and she suggested I make an appointment to be seen the next morning. I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound done. I went to a regular family practice office so I had to get the ultrasound done downstairs and wait for the results. That was the hardest part-waiting. The other hardest part was playing over and over in my head why the tech said what she did to me. I was crying because I was in so much pain and she said, "I know just a little bit longer, I just can't see your ovaries." Well, now I know she shouldn't have said that, but that just scared me even more. It took 3 days for the results to come back that I had a cyst on my ovaries-no big deal. Or so they thought. The pain persisted and didn't go away. What pain you ask? In my lower back. It was the most horrible pain.
I was referred to a gynocologist, Leah Mitchell. She met with me several times and one weekend I called her in tears because nothing was working. She told me to go to the emergency room. You won't believe this, but it's true. In less than an hour, on a cold Saturday in December, we were in and out. I saw a man whom I have nothing nice to say about. He did a urine sample, but didn't check it, he said, "Eh, you're not pregnant" and then proceeded to tell me that all I had was a ruptured disk. Wrote me a prescription and sent me about my merry little way. How did he diagnose me? No clue. Did he do an x-ray? No. Blood work? No. I still cringe when I think about how much that visit cost. I didn't want a Percocet. I wanted to know what was WRONG with me.
I went back to Dr. Mitchell and she strongly encouraged me to have a laporascopy. I was very hesitant, but she, without saying it, said it was the best idea. So, on February 18, 2009 I had a laporascopy. I don't know much about it except that she said she removed endometriosis, and LOTS of it. It took me about a week to heal and she told me children should be no problem. I went to see her 6 weeks later and she told me she was moving to North Carolina. I was so upset, but grateful for her wisdom. My pain had returned by then and she seemed to think it was still recovery pains. I knew my body, however, and I knew something else was wrong.
So, I proceeded to another doctor whom will remain annonymous. This doctor, well I just have nothing kind to say. She told me that "endometriosis doesn't grow back." Well, it does. Then she said, "I have it too and it always shows up on an ultrasound. We just did one and there is nothing on there." I wanted to scream. I had just had an ultrasound 4 months before and nothing but a cyst was there and LOTS of endometriosis that didn't appear in an ultrasound. Then, she told me that I had a condition called IC. It was just a cover up, just to diagnose me with something before I left and tell me that I was fine. I didn't need to worry about children. Right. After a lap you are most prone to pregnancy and it was April, still no baby.
So, in late October after months and months of continual pain, medicine, lots of tears, I decided I wanted to find specialist and have her "take it all out". I came out and told my mom about our struggle and she kept telling me not to give up. I had lived with this "secret" for over a year. It felt good to release it, but it also meant I had to face it. I met Kimberly Bain in late October and loved loved loved her! She said endometriosis most definitely grows back, but she couldn't understand why the pain was so severe. She gave me a different medicine to try but said she'd recommend another lap only if I was up to it. I, again, was just unsure about going under again. I took some time to pray about it. On November 16th, I called her office to see if I could even get in. I didn't want to have to take off a lot from work so I was hoping that there wouldn't be an opening. The woman asked my name and then left the phone for a minute. When she returned she said, "Be here at 6:30 on the 20th." In 4 days, the surgery was scheduled. Like that. I only had to take 3 days off work because the rest of it fell over Thanksgiving Break. Again, God's hand. And I was still up until 6:30 that morning looking for a way out. Hoping for a fever or an insurance malfunction or something. Nothing.
I cried as she put me on the operating table and I remember her telling me, "we're going to get you all figured out sweetheart." I said, "I just want a baby." "I know, we're going to do our best to give you a precious baby." was her response. Whew, I'm crying now as I'm reliving it all-knowing what I do know now. I was in surgery a lot longer than expected. I woke up in recovery, heard a baby crying and said to my mom and Joseph, "I just want to hear that sound." I became aware that she removed endometriosis, and LOTS of it from my body. She took pictures of it and they became very crucial down the road. It's scary to look at actually, at how severe it was. The surgery before that was only 9 months prior. The surgery was a little longer because Dr. Bain said she knew I was in pain and wanted to get to the bottom of it. So, she explored and searched for a long time. I had it growing everywhere. I'll get personal for the sake of hoping to help someone some day: my ovaries (she said) were like cement they were so weighed down with it, all over the front and back of my uterus, my galbladder, bowels, tubes, it was everywhere. The surprise to her was that it was up as high as my rib cage. Always shows up on an ultrasound Dr. Annonymous? I think not. Doesn't grow back? How about in 9 months? I knew something was wrong and I"m so thankful I listened to my gut and my body.
I went back to see her a couple weeks later and she really encouraged me to go ahead and have my children, all of them immediately. She said I had a very aggressive form of it and that although in some women it doesn't grow back, mine was so aggressive she said that it would. She said there was another woman who was very similar to me who she saw. She had all her children one after the other and then she did a hysterectomy on her. I cried to her and told her I just wanted a baby. She told me to be patient and that hopefully after this good "clean out" I'd be able to.
I felt so terrible but in late December, when I still wasn't pregnant, I decided to go see an infertility specialist. I had actually called a man, I forgot his name. But, I found him online. It said he was in infertility specialist in Lexington. I called the office to make an appointment and the woman asked me what the problem was. I briefly explained my story. She said, "I'm so sorry sweetie, but Dr. ____ is not an infertility specialist. You need to go see Dr. Karon. She's the best in town." Hand of Jesus. No doubt. I don't even remember now what this doctor specialized in. But, I'm telling you online it said he was an infertility specialist.
I finally, on December 29, 2009 at 11:35pm let go. I completely let go of MY plans. I wrote that night:
"On December 29, 2009 at 11:35 I am handing this ALL over to You, Lord. Not for a baby, but for Your will. I am surrendering it all to You. I lay it at the foot of the cross. This is not my load to bear. This is my prayer: Job 22: 21-25 'Give in to God, come to terms with Him and everything will turn out just fine. Let Him tell you what do, take His words to heart. Come back to Almight God and He'll rebuild your life. Clean house of everything evil. Relax your grip on your money and abandon your gold-plated luxury. God Almighty will be Your treasure; MORE wealth than you could EVER imagine.' I'm done, controlling, Lord. TAKE OVER"Please understand that many, many times I prayed God's will, but I had one hand on His will and one hand on MY will. But that night, I can still see me sitting in my closet on the floor crying out and writing it, THAT night, I let go. I wanted a baby, yes. But that night I released having one MY way.
I went to see Dr. Karon on January 7. I took pictures from my surgery to show her, (they spoke louder than any story I could share). She looked at the pictures of my ovaries and said, "Have you ever been tested for PCOS?" I hadn't. I had no other symptoms of it, but she felt very strongly that I did. She started me on medicine for it and told me to call her when my cycle started and we'd schedule an appointment to begin fertility treatments. (I found out a few days later the results came back positive, that I did in fact have PCOS). I cried like a baby to her about how much I wanted to be a mommy. She shared with me her story-she had severe endometriosis and PCOS and had a 9 month old baby. Then she said, and I"ll never forget it: "Honey, you're on the right road. But this condition mixed with endo, it wouldn't have ever happened anyways without our help. So, we'll get you the help you need and hope you'll conceive soon." And I was pregnant when I left and just didn't know.
I cried all night. I cried all day the next day. My birthday was 2 days later. I remember my family came in town and when I went to open the blinds the next morning before they got there, I just fell to my knees and cried. I tried to pull myself together while they were there, but it was hard. As soon as they left, I went back to a fetal position and balled like a baby. I just didn't understand. Yes, I was ready for God's will, but that didn't mean I wouldn't grieve. I was truly grieving. I was truly dealing with the fact it wasn't in the cards for us. Yes, when I left her office on January 7th, I was hurt, but I had to grieve. It had become a reality to hear "it's not possible." Joseph and I had already decided we weren't going to spend lots of money on treatments. We made the decision that we would exhaust all options (medicine, surgery-the 2 laps), but when it got to expensive injections or IVF, we just didn't feel God was leading us there. I had been on such a whirlwind. I had been to tons of doctors, had 2 surgeries and I felt like I was getting nowhere.
An entire week went by. I tried to put my happy face on but it was hard. I still hadn't started my period, but I thought it was because of the new medicine I was on. I felt horrible, just horrible. But, had heard the medicine could be hard on your stomach so that's what I thought it was.
On Sunday, the 17th, we were in Louisville and I was sitting at church when I looked at the bulletin to see what it was about: abortion. The tears just started. I kept thinking, "I can NOT handle this right now." It was the hardest thing I've ever sat through. Images flashed of babies at different weeks. My heart just ached. Joseph held my hand and I kept praying that God would get me through it. I cried but I wanted to do the hard, I can't breathe, kind of cry. I asked God to just hold me right then, and He did. It was awful, but He carried me through. I will never forget Dave Stone looking right at the congregation and saying, "If you're thinking of aborting your baby, don't. There is a room full of women who would give their right arm to have a baby." That was when I just lost it. He said what my heart had been trying to say for a long time. I would've given my right arm, my left arm, both legs, you name it. I just wanted a baby. I cried most of the afternoon, but then on the drive home late that night I had an overwhelming peace. It was the peace that passes all understanding. I can't explain it. I called my mom when we were almost home and she was crying saying she knew how hard that message was and she was still praying. I told her I was okay, that I had a peace (one I couldn't explain).
I had made a mental plan to take a pregnancy test when I got home so that when I called the doctor the next morning I could say, "Look, my period is late, no I'm not pregnant, what's wrong?" Please understand, I took the test so I could have confirmation that I was not pregnant when I called. I NEVER EVER EVER expected or even took it thinking that it would be positive. Understand that I had the faith God COULD give me a child, but that didn't mean he WOULD. So, this test was just proof to me that I wasn't, or so I thought :). I didn't even tell Joseph I was going to. He was unloading the car and I went to the bathroom to use the (ironically) last test I had. The positive shows a lot quicker than the negative :) I looked at it and my eyes were HUGE!!!! I didn't believe it. I was very, very calm. I'm telling you, I had THE peace.
I walked down the hall and told Joseph. He said, "What? How? How do you know?" He was just in shock. I called my mom and told her to go upstairs. I wanted to tell my parents (in my dreams) in a cutesy little way, but it didn't play that way. She was so upset because I was hurting, I couldn't keep it from her. I told her I had to tell her something but I didn't want her around anyone. And then I told her. She said, "What? You're pregnant. Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! It's a miracle. Oh my gosh." And she said "oh my gosh" and "It's a miracle" about 100 more times. :) I went to the doctor that next morning just to get a slip for blood work. I had the blood work done and was waiting on a call back that afternoon. About an hour later I got a call, but it wasn't about my blood work. My doctor had just found out and she was calling to congratulate me. She said, "Girl, I am so happy for you! I don't know how that happened. You didn't even need us. " That's right. Because God moves mountains. I just simply answered, "She is a miracle from up above."
There is no explanation. But there is none necessary. When I say, I've seen the healing hand of God, I mean it. I've lived it. I've watched Him place doctor after doctor into my life and I'm thankful that He placed ones who made me think it was all in my head. It just fueled me more to find a reason. He hand picked every person that I encountered and to this day I firmly believe that Dr. Bain worked so hard to remove all that she saw, and then did it again to make sure it was all removed. And that her expertise, along with a lot of Jesus helped Ady come into this world.
I have people tell me often that my blog brings them tears. My hope and prayer has been from the start that someone would come to know Christ by this story and that this would help someone else who may be dealing with the same thing not feel all alone. With God, you are never alone. My faith has never been strengthened more than when I was going through it. I've gone through my prayer journal from last November-December and read each day's posts. I cry at all of them. I couldn't pick a favorite one, but ran across this Tuesday night:
"Let Your grace fall over me and cover me with love and faithfulness. Let this season be a testimony to others of Your faithfulness." The devotion that day read:
The ability to wait on the Lord stems from being confident and focused on who God is and in what God is doing.
Psalm 62:5-"My soul waits in silence for God only. For my hope is from Him. Trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart before Him."
Psalm 37:7-9 Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.
Isaiah 817-I will wait for the Lord who is hiding His face from the house of Jacob; I will put my trust in Him."
And I did just that: I poured out my heart to Him. I did that everday. And although it seeemed everything was falling apart, I had a peace. He was holding me. He was holding my broken pieces. He was holding my weariness. He was holding my tears. He was holding me, there was no safer or more comforting place to be. It is why I went to Him each day, sometimes I'd journal 4-5 times a day. I was desperately seeking the heart of God. I was desperately asking for Him to hold me together. Some may say it is crazy and strange, but I KNEW He loved me. I KNEW He hurt. So, I went to Him each day and waited in expectation.
I hope you never doubt the instinct God has given you. I had an instinct something was wrong with my body-took me almost 2 years to get to the bottom of it, but I had a feeling.
My prayer to you, readers, is that you would come to know the love and faithfulness that Jesus has to offer. In EVERY season. Your momentary troubles pail in comparison to the eternal glory that we have to receive. Yes, I got my happy ending as some may say. But, really it's just the beginning. THIS story is JUST the beginning. The story that changes lives. The story that brings people to their knees. Not for my glory, but ALL for the King. From the one who formed YOUR heart, from the One who knows exactly how many hairs are on your head. The God who made the entire universe, who holds the world together in the palm of His hands, He is listening. He is waiting for You to surrender your problems, your struggles, your worries. Lay it at His feet. There is no greater peace. No greater place to be than in the middle of one of the storms.
Someone told me while going through this, "Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He calms His child." Maybe your storm has not been calmed, maybe you've lost something you can't ever get back. Run to Him. His arms are open wide. And while you're there, know that You rest on the arms of the King, the God who performs miracles. The God who performed one and gave us our precious Ady.
I remember when I went to the hospital when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had a terrible cough and (as strange as it sounds), when I coughed my back went out. It was excruciating pain. While I knew that it wouldn't have effected Ady at all, I cried for an ultrasound for the doctor to just check on her. She called her "critter" because at that time we didn't know there was an Ady in my tummy! I will never forget her saying, "This is just the beginning! You will worry about her every single day until you take your last breath." And she's right.
We're headed to Nashville to visit my dad's side of the family and celebrate Christmas with them. We can't wait to introduce Ady to all of them and see everyone! 
We are ready for Christmas time with our precious little gift, one we never dreamed we would have to hold one day! 
This Christmas, there is a special stocking where there once was a void: 
