Ady is growing more and more each day. We had an ultrasound a couple weeks ago and were AMAZED by how much she had grown. When she first came up on the screen she had her legs crossed. What a little lady :) It is amazing to me how much an ultrasound can show. We looked at every organ and were able to see bones, the chambers of her heart, her brain, her kidneys functioning. It was just a miracle. It was a very surreal experience.
I have had many moments recently where I become so emotionally grateful for this miracle that Joseph and I have been entrusted with. What a crazy road and ride we had to take to get here. But, oh, it makes the journey so sweet! I was reminded the other day how I was told in early January that I would never be able to conceive on my own after trying for so long. I can remember my heart just aching. I was thinking about the countless doctor visits I'd gone on, the two surgeries I'd endured, the money that we had spent and then to hear "it wouldn't have happened anyways" was so painful. My birthday was the next day and I didn't want to celebrate. I felt that I had lost all hope and despair for this dream. I didn't sleep much that night. I don't actually even know if I did. I just remember crying all through the night. A good friend of mine who knew all to well the pain of infertility told me that night as I cried out to her, "Let God and Joseph hold you tonight." And I will forever remember her saying that. It was the first time I truly realized that I wasn't going through this alone. I realized that Joseph hurt too. And most importantly, because it mattered to me and because it broke my heart, it broke God's too. Although I was upset and although I was unsure of the road before me, the Lord carried me through every second of it. He gave me the faith and hope I needed to make it through. I never stopped believing in Him for a miracle. I found this faith deep in the midst of the battle. I learned more about myself and more about Jesus during that time. Many times I cried out to Him saying, "I don't understand what it is You are doing." I was very open and honest with him about what I was feeling, but I promised Him that I would remain faithful and seek His will for my life. But, my heart is overcome as today I read what I wrote the day before I took the pregnancy test.
"I pray for a story to share someday. I don't understand Your plan, but have placed my life in Your hands. I pray for a story to shock doctors and all those around. I ask that you rid my body of this mess going on inside-let the doctors marvel at the miraculous sight. I have the faith. You CAN move mountains. I am trusting in You to do what is impossible.""
It is so amazing to me that for a little over a week, when I cried out to God after being told this news, that I was pregnant all along. I wonder what He was in Heaven doing. Was He laughing at me? Was He saying, "Just wait, You'll see"? I truly learned that He does hear our prayers, but His timing is not always on our time. I will forever give Him the praise for blessing me with the greatest miracle of all time. I can not wait to show Ady my prayer journal and show her how faith can move mountains. It seems so simple in hindsight-just trust God and it will all be ok. But, when you're walking through that fire it's so hard to see the end. I had never felt more confused in all my life as I walked through this road for over a year, but yet I also had never felt more peace. It's a funny thing, isn't it? Although it appeared everything else was falling apart. It, in fact was all being held together by the hands of Jesus and that alone gave me the strength I needed to face each day.
So, if I seem a bit teary at moments. If I cry for no apparent reason at all. It's because I have seen the healing hand of God. I have seen how He worked everything out for good for those who love Him and it is overwhelmingly beautiful. Just know this: when they place that precious baby into my arms, there will not be a dry eye in the room. It is then that my faith shall meet my eyes.
